It’s June now, and I just got back from a weekend where us cousins (and family) came in for a birthday shindig for my 70yo dad.

Let me preface my news by saying that I rarely get to hang with my 6 (total) cousins. Whether it’s scheduling, or jobs, or just busy with life-in-general, we rarely get together.

But when we do… it’s magical. We have a blast together, and I cherish that more than they’ll ever know.

However there’s a secret, that only a handful of people know…

I’m in the middle of a separation/divorce. Behind all the laughter, the hollering, the arms waving, the standing up charades, and the loud stories …

I’m sad, I’m scared, and I am absolutely screaming inside.

About 6 months ago, I said “Enough.” I needed to change my life. I needed to change the direction my life was headed. I was driving myself into the ground, and doing it quickly. Very quickly.

Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally.
I was spent.

We all reach that point where we know that a change is due. Whether it’s a job, a house, a wardrobe, a haircut. There’s just a certain point where the light bulb “pings” and says “It’s time.”

I heard the first “ping” back in August. Again, in November. I heard it louder in early December. It was this December “ping” when I knew that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I had to say it out loud (which believe it or not, is the toughest part).

For two months, I tried to ignore it. I really did. I tried to “come back”. Others reading this will probably disagree, and say that I didn’t give 100%. And looking back, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I did.

By March, that “PING!” was the loudest I had heard. Shortly after, I had moved out of the house that I had been in for over 15 years (pause… read that last sentence again).

I was fortunate to have 2 close friends offer me guest rooms in their houses till I could sort some things out. (As a side note, I owe Gary/Angie a lot more than my gratitude for helping me out during this time. Words cannot express how thankful I am for their support through all of this.)

As I sit and write this, It’s now June and things are becoming very real. I’m noticing myself WAY more emotional than ever. I’m noticing that our arguments get heated WAY faster than in the past. And, I’m noticing that I’ve become WAY too secluded.

I am scared and petrified of the future. It keeps me up at night with thoughts with a bounce rate that rivals the speed of light.

… But for now, I’ll leave you with a favorite Gary Allan lyric:

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there’s something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of the thorns
‘Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin’
Every storm runs, runs out of rain