I’ve just received my court papers and date. It’s for November 7th. When I first read it, I’ve got to admit, it hit me pretty hard. And right now, I am struggling inside. I struggle each and every day, it seems.
Every day,
I’m pissed.
I’m confused.
I’m sad.
But most of all,
I’m embarrassed.
This is not my first, but my second divorce. I find myself constantly obsessing and asking:
“Well, I’ve failed again… and again.”
“How in the fuck did I end up here… again?”
“Will I EVER be any good to someone… ever… again?”
But this time it’s different. I have a daughter now. And, we’re close. Very close. She truly means the world to me. I’d go back today, if it would guarantee that I wouldn’t lose her in all of this. But, I can’t go back. Not like this. I’m too pissed off and bitter, and the last thing I want is for my daughter to see me (or us) like this.
And so is Tara.
But, Tara is hurt right now. I have to understand, and keep reminding myself that truth.
No, she never asked for this. I did. She was fine living the status quo. And I simply wasn’t. I carried the weight, and pulled the plow for years. We lived beyond our means, and I was the one who worked and worked… hoping one day someone else would pitch in and things would get better.
They never did.
I blame both of us, because it takes two to tango. There’s a lot of finger pointing nowadays… and all i can do is pray. Pray that I don’t lose my temper. Pray that things will get better for each of us. Pray that my daughter doesn’t turn against me for this decision.
But mostly, I pray for forgiveness and understanding from my 7 year-old daughter. That may not come for some time, but I hope that one day she understands how tough of a decision this was. I hope one day that she’ll see that she means the world to me. That one day she, too, will be independent and live out her own dreams and career.
Unlike most stories I hear of people going through separations/divorces, I actually do want Tara to be happy without me. I want her to be successful. I want her to be her own person independently. She used to be that way, and somehow that got lost (and so did my own focus). I do actually have faith that she will find and resurrect that person who had big dreams and went to college and went for a career. I hope and wish all of that for her.
As for me. I’m still lost. I just keep hoping that when all of this smoke clears and the dust settles, I can still see myself clearly. Because right now… I just can’t.
And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again
– Staind (It’s Been a While)