Yesterday was the final divorce hearing between Tara and I. I won’t put the details on here, because I do think that it’s something which shouldn’t be public information.
However, I can say this, and it may be surprise some of you, but I don’t feel good about it. Most folks who’ve gone through a divorce are happy and break out the party hats.
No. Not me.
I can say that I’m a total wreck of emotions right now. Every 15 minutes, I am relieved, sad, hopeful, depressed, pissed, optimistic, angry, frustrated, beat down, enlightened, regretful, and mostly embarrassed. Roll a dice and pick one, because I’m hitting each in full stride right about now.
We did love each other. I can say that without question. Neither of us went in pressured or unwillingly. I’m comfortable with saying that. It started off awesome, beautiful, and everything that a marriage should be: Home. Rugrat. Horses. Business. Jobs.
It started going wrong when finances started creeping into the picture. The unfair thing to Tara was that I had seen this before. I had already gone through it (Go read my “It’s June Now” post). And I sure as hell wasn’t about to go down that road again after a previous 11-year fiasco.
But no, she didn’t see it coming.
I could say it was lack-of-finances. Or her not contributing to the budget. Or me just being worn down. Maybe those were factors, or just bullet points.
This was my decision. At the end of the day, I felt used (again). And I was just tired of being used like that.
For the past year, I have been constantly bouncing around thoughts, ideas, and “what-ifs”. How could we have done this different? What went wrong? Could we have fixed it without going through this? Would counseling have fixed it, or would it have delayed the inevitable? Was it me? Was it her? Was it money? Was it the business? Was it too late to turn around? Could we hit a “reset” button?
We do both agree on this one phrase: It didn’t have to be like this.
She thoroughly hates me right now. I can accept that. She blames the woman I’m dating.
But, she’s wrong.
It was me. 100% me. I was the one who said “enough”. I will have to live with that responsibility and that decision I made.
8 years ago, I had hope, love, and optimism in my heart… and now, I guess I’m the devil according to Cody Jinks: